Enneagram Type 9

whoa.
laura and i went to The Olive Garden for dinner tonight.
after last night's effort at italian food away from home, we were so disappointed and still craving that we thought a nation-wide chain would be trust-worthy. and The Olive Garden was certainly decent - i will go so far as to say, in comparison to the travesty that was last night's local experience, we were eating in Eden.
but, since we've been back, our stomachs are so sick that we've taken turns trying to sleep in our new flannel sheets, slugging shots of pink bismuth, lighting matches in the bathroom, and sitting upright while breathing deeply in front of the t.v.

i'm reading The Help by Kathryn Stockett.
I get so lost in literature sometimes.
and then, when my eyes are tired but i'm too torn up to lay down, i watch commercials and see a white man get out of the car and his beautiful black girlfriend climb into their new one and i'm honestly so amazed and grateful at the strides we've made toward embracing our humanity.
i think about next weekend when laura and i will be in D.C. and how much more comfortable i'll feel being happy to hold her hand on those city streets.
i am always happy to hold her hand but sometimes, when we're here and i realize someone has stuttered after their realization that we're together together, i stumble a little out of the comfort zone.
it's an interesting dynamic. it's a "lemony smile" and an eagerness to do the 'polite thing' in our company. or it's just plain bad service - blatant negligence after an initially warm welcome... we order the appetizer and use romantically-inclined terms of endearment and the waitress clearly loses interest until we call for the check.

i love this little town, though.
but the weekend has pretty much nailed it in that we're much better off eating at home.
i mean, really,
we are both chefs, anyways - and now we have genuinely friendly farm connections.
and i'm okay being the help - i guess it's what i've always wanted.

wwwwh?

well, it's just lev and me. plus two dogs and two birds, all of whom are doing well, as well.
the movers were great goodboys from alabama, in the family of a small business based here in this new home-town.
our northern next door neighbors smiled on the day we moved in and brought us a chicken(stuffed & roasted with rosemary from the garden between our houses) dinner with sauteed green beans(garlic + lemon) plus a tomato mozzarella salad(using basil from the garden between our houses).
we've acquainted the owners of a restaurant in an adjacent town, attended a gallery showing where many were met, hugged and shaken hands with other locals, pet the pets of shop keepers, and talked across the lawn at our eastern fellows.
they all have names.

lev is continuing to work five days a week - pretty normal business hours.
we're very communicative during the days and i have worked on unpacking, finishing my resume, responding to good-looking job ops online, closing things finally with the previous job stuff, and getting our household into working order: our goal is to secure the house and get guest-ready.
we're at our own pace and it's precious.
the dogs play in the run, nap and follow me around the house, chase up and down the halls, climb up and down the stairs, eat and act like babies (feed me, clean me, love me and keep me,) and generally have a fantastic life. they're napping now beside me as i type this; they're damp from having had baths and exhausted from a long morning at the dog park which is a drive-in-the-country away.
i did suffer a Verocious bout of food poisoning at the end of our first week; but on the up and up, it's great to empty it all out and start again from scratch...
as much moving as i did as a kid, this is so much like home it's hard to explain.

lev stayed in nearby hotels for several weeks before we all moved in to the house together just three weeks ago.
it feels in some ways like much longer and in other ways like the wonderful new experience it is...
i will guestimate the house might be ready for september.

salisbury, north carolina. established in 1753, this little city is one of the state's oldest and was, at one time, slated to be the capital. it's now considered the county seat and is rich with interesting history. salisbury is "small" enough to be surrounded by farms and still a only short drive to charlotte or winston-salem/greensboro. i go to the farmers' market on wednesdays and saturdays. there is a decent wine cellar in the basement of an antique store/indoor flea market. lev and i bank across the street from each other. the bookstore(one of only three in town) i like is focused on "independent" authors and is in association with many local book clubs. doing business here is quaint and delightful.
the house was built in the early 1900's and is a craftsman sort of bungalow. there is so much space that we've assigned rooms for each sort of thing we do: living room, dining room, kitchen, butler's pantry (extra dishes and stuff,) utility room, mud room, office, bedroom, guest bedroom, music room, art room, dressing room, and a bathroom on each floor... goodness gracious!
our belongings blend nicely together and we laugh a lot at how similar our tastes can be and how accepting we are of each other's oddities. ;)
i love our yard! while i can't go about making major changes, i've cleaned it up quite a bit: we've covered the dog run in mulch; weeded the planted beds; mowed the lawns; clipped off stray and dead parts of crepe myrtles, peonies, rose bushes, and mulberry trees; shaken out so many cobwebs; plotted our scheme to create some sort of gate for the driveway; and developed an interesting sort of container garden (marigolds, tomatoes, sweet potatoes, basil, and sage so far.)

i look forward to getting a little job that i could love, visiting and having visitors, the changing of seasons, and everyday good stuff.
we plan to take yoga in the back part of a the gallery we hung out in. already we've brought home one super-functional piece from that gallery and someday maybe i will show my work there.
i am learning so much and feel really inspired.
we cook a lot. a lot. and we're getting SO much better about using all our food fresh.
i don't know why i am surprised that lev and i have such a good time together. but that i can't explain either... it's amazing.

i am very happy.
so far, this has been weeks of recovery and rediscovery - time for acceptance, great affection, and freedom of expression!
life is super fantastic and i cannot wait to share it more tangibly with you.

big love and extra squeezy kisses.

...and shaking

healing

nothing more than heeaaling.


good times.
super grateful, really.
simple things in big change.

great movie : dark matter

working from home: long hours, but leisurely and so much more work actually gets done - in both arenas.

little boy dog has been sick for days. from the outside, it appears to have gotten worse; but i am assured, at this point, that i can wait until morning to see.
i will work from home again tomorrow, perhaps the rest of the week - i just need to go hand some stuff in.

the apartment is slowly but surely (and in a thoughtful, organized fashion) being packed up.

i feel very hopeful and brave while also acknowledging some fear. confidence is coming on.

the presence thing is important.
i'm happy about the stars and i'm breathing.
it's a great practice. ha!

change is feeling good.

i feel really good today. happy.

lots of errands to tie up.
no biggie, though.
very productive day at work.
good day for the dogs.
good day in my relationship with the spouse.

home to a fresh-cooked meal.
showers and taking care of selves.
i felt cute in my new clothes that fit; regardless of what size they are, they look nice.

forward thinking.
forward moving.

ahoy!

on saturday by six:

i was happily in the comfort of my home, freshly changed out of rain-soaked clothes, and sipping a bowl of home-made chicken soup - chock full of cilantro;

i had indulged in one triple tall soy latte from that-coffee-shop-on-every-corner;

i had mapped and shopped two dallas estate sales, acquiring one center-folding tray table, two swiveling slatted vintage bar stools (quite akin to these), a small oil pastel picture of an old italian-looking woman, a tiny little ashtray that reminds me of my mother and is special for visiting smokers (outside on the barstools), a pretty little porcelain cup for my toothbrush, some stray books for upcoming travel reading, and a chinese painting of two budgerigars (one yellow, one blue) on silk;

we toured the cottonwood arts festival, picking up cards from favored artists and generally being inspired ... where we were soaked through with pouring rain.

i wish you could have been there. while a picture may say some thousand words, only one's own eyes can do these exhibits justice.
i want to share these artists with you :)

Daniel NG
super rich color, really fun perspective, pastoral pieces


The Art of Endangered Species Studios;
Donald and Peggy Pimpler
they have no link-able images, but i am particularly fond of Peggy's reclamation dioramas and "sculpture"

Edward Bartoszek
whimsical, bright, and still soft - he uses traditional acrylics and then airbrushes the outlines of his images


Brice McCasland
the pieces i was most fond of today, centering around ravens and painted onto salvaged planks of wood, are not to be found on his website; but the following images are lovely representations


Gregory Arth
more than one "genre", some whimsy and bright color, some calm, some plain fun, some seeming inspiration from kandinsky, miro, other recognizable classics, really touching to me ...
i wish i wish i wish that his website were not flash-driven so that i could post images, but please please please, see for yourself
the favorites i've seen can be found in contemporary trees, circuit board art, food art, animal art. check it out :)

Jay Long
last year, when i took myself to the Fort Worth Arts Festival, i ran across this guy ... wow. and still.


last but not least:
Studio DiStefano,
whose website is currently under construction, but whose art was, for me, eye opening regarding an appearance of clean simplicity, while incorporating subtle multi-media usage, heavy texture, and large print!

it was a great day, overall...
not without its bumps and bruises,
but much to be glad about.

xo

getting it done

again on sunday...

i'm enjoying a cup of coffee: brewed with half Veria brand, half Cafe du Monde...

i also have a cup of water, large plastic cup with lid and straw that i recycled from work - they usually last about five days, from our new Brita filter.

i've spent the past half hour researching a particular vinegar that our household is low on, one we hardly want to live without, straight from Italy.
i've spent the morning quiet under the covers, snuggled by pups, reading a children's book i hadn't ever laid my hands on until a couple weeks ago.

the day is humid and overcast, warm but not yet muggy.
i get a little lost in the rustling of leaves, every tree rich with green boughs, and stare out the open windows intermittently.
squirrels race across the grass, chasing each other up a tall body, and i love these simple pleasures.
this is where i long to be...

last night i hosted the bachelorette party i coordinated for a girl i work with - we try to be friends, though it is difficult keeping secrets from her.

a few hand-made props, a lei for every guest, balloons and sparkling confetti, candles, scattered seashells, reggae and authentic cuisine...

it was a good time for the few of us, and i felt like i'd done something good.

i haven't seen sandra in a couple weeks.
right now i'm okay with that, but i've had some meaningful struggles in recent days that will be good fodder for when i see her next.

we're going to brunch with a few friends at robin's house downtown.
we chopped the last of vegetables grilled for dinner with stephanie and incorporated them in a cold pasta salad to contribute.
we brewed an extra pot of Cafe du Monde and chilled it for special drinks today. we'll pick up some condensed milk on the way over.

we stood together, in front of the open refrigerator, feeling proud about our usage of food this week. we dined out only once (date night) and ate very fresh, mostly vegetables, happily. i shopped smartly and we planned meals strategically...
it seems to have worked this week after months of unsuccessful schemes.

it's a good day.
we are mostly united and in good spirits.
i try hard to think only of the job when i'm there.
i make seventy extra dollars per week now that i've been "promoted" to a much higher level of responsibility;
and i assuage that insult with my intentions to make the position as short-lived as possible.
today, i'm content with a list of gratitudes and the resolution to take goood care of this girl, which is hard work in itself.

sunday

a lovely date with steph last night. so grateful to have her so close by, if only temporarily.
cathartic.
great perspective.
asserted more intention.
it's good to be so clear sometimes - and seemingly, only available in the company of people who know you.

my precious blue bird loves the new companion i rescued from a shelter three months back.
that little budgie has been so active.
we named the partner "frank",
and it appears, now, that i've wound up with quite the pair of love birds, as budgie, who i'd always suspected was a boy, laid eggs last week.
two tiny white eggs, about the size of malted milk balls, with the lightest flesh colored tint, in the bottom of the cage.
they weren't any good - both were cracked - but i don't REALLY want those critters having a bunch of babies...
what on earth would i do with parakeet chicks?
i removed the nesting material i'd put in with the kids (never thinking they'd be getting busy in there) and then removed the eggs.
budgie made litte R2D2 noises while i cleaned up ...
i feel a little bit sorry for HER!

at work, we've resumed operating on sundays.
i am making a statement, as the lead here, by running the first shift.
it's a bit of a shame that i'm here solo - there's quite a lot of work for one to do alone -
but i blare chopin in the kitchen, i work quietly, i have a nice breakfast (my new favorite cereal with half a banana), and am much less distracted.

i love the little dogs.
love love love them.
when i got home last night, about 15 after 11, i took them outside for a long walk and then we all climbed into bed so i could read.
they're so well behaved and so loving.
this morning, the snuggle bugs got up to do their first round of "business" and then got right back into bed.
i feel VERY grateful for the extra hours of rest.

i'm working very hard to stave off a bit of the blues.
i have been feeling a little depressed.
i reckon it might be tough for anyone who is so stressed...
i remind myself that our parents and their parents all just sucked it up,
and i will, too -
this, too, shall pass,
but i am eager to get a grip on my health and "wellness" because i've been doing little more than going through the motions this past week.
i found myself in the office with sandra and had nothing much to say - when i know, under neath my "figuring" and "intellectualizing" and "analyzing", i am really sad and really confused and really anxious.
but today is already better :)

you know what i love?
cilantro.
damn that is some good stuff.
i used to think it was soapy and avoided it.
but especially paired with a little bit of fresh garlic, i am back in-love.
guacamole, salad dressing, chicken, rice, black beans ... yes.

i'm looking for ways to steel my resolve about disassociating food with my emotionality.
it's a good challenge for me.
cooking and eating is just something i love to do, and lately i've seemed to have less time for my other hobbies.
so, balancing my time and being more active are also parts of this "steeling my resolve" project.
it seems so silly, really ... only becuase it's an issue that i CONSTANTLY struggle with - back and forth forever ;)
but one more step at a time, i suppose.

look!

walk it out

it has been a long week already, baby.
wow.

i'm going to focus on some good things, though - like this coming weekend,
and like absolving some very stressful circumstances in our lives to make way for new beginnings.

gotta make the best out of what is dished in our direction.
but none of that "gotta eat everything on your plate," even if i do agree that there is no making up for lost ...

today i noticed that one of our employees has a really funny tattoo on the back of her neck. it looks like this:

))<>((
if you didn't see it or don't remember, here's a refresher course:

i've decided that, in living "one day at a time", it is suiting me best to evaluate the days i've most recently lived (by observing them in brief retrospect),
to determine what has been most healthful for me,
and to decide what is, at this point, at least moderately tolerable;
then i simply carry on...
of course it's not always so easy...
but i gotta do that integrity thing;
and i gotta do that forgiveness thing;

and i've also gotta do a bunch of things that i'm not worried about trying to figure all out right now.
i'm doing my best and making small improvements that will hopefully stack up.

i'm really enjoying the home-life lately.
i feel vastly relieved in my own space that i am equally responsible for.
i love our little dogs.
i have resolved to focus on positive things during my one-days;
and i am happy as a clam, these past few weeks, cooking ahead and carrying my lunch, as i've intended to do for so long.
i've been a little crazy about bento-style meals, even though i'm just cramming them into a corning ware container.

today's little lunch was sortof special - in the vein of "soul food", and i HAVE to share one of the recipes (which i modified slightly) ...

first, a little background:
when i was younger, i guess i must have been 8 or 9, a french man named Marcel used to hang out with our family...(rumor has it he was trying to convince my mother to marry him.)
Marcel was a chef. he worked in a local pastry shop. one night he invited my mother to dinner at his house and she took me with.

if i remember correctly, Marcel prepared a beef roast that was delicious, glazed carrots (not particularly remarkable), and the most amazing cauliflower casserole, which my mother and i still remember and talk about.
i have yet to be able to recreate that dish, but here is what inspired me to try again: from Real Simple magazine

as mentioned, i took a few liberties, as many foodies are wont to do.
for starters, i used half the amount of pasta, which i cooked using The Curious Cook's method... and i used penne regata because it was on sale (super score!)
i did, however, stick with using the entire head of cauliflower...
i had some prepackaged breadcrumbs in my cabinet, so i substituted those because they are pre-seasoned and because i couldn't justify buying an entire loaf at the market for 1/3 cup worth of bread crumbs;
the oil remains the same, but i upped the amount of parsley, probably using 2/3 cup of the curly kind (because i love the way it crisps up).
i substituted 1/2 cup minced shallots instead of onion (that's a lot of mincing, but shallot sauteed achieves a much more delicate flavor than any other onion) and i added one clove of minced garlic and one crumbled slice of pre-cooked bacon!...
for the cheese, i made a mix of about half super-sharp cheddar and half aged swiss - plus, i used only about 1 cup (because jack the bear-dog ate some off the counter) and it was totally fine.
the sour cream did not change, but i used soy milk and creole mustard, since that's what i had.

i actually cooked the pasta and the cauliflower separately - i steamed the cauliflower, really, above the cooking pasta in one of those perforated pots, and then i dumped both the pasta and the cauliflower into the same colander.
then i used the pasta pot to sautee the shallots with the garlic and bacon in a bit of the oil.
i put the pasta + cauliflower + sour cream + soy milk + mustard into the pot with the sauteed shallots, etc., and stirred it all up nice;
then i dumped it into the casserole dish.
i mixed the bread crumbs (saving the food processor - double score!) and the chopped parsley and the remainin oil together, but i did not add salt or pepper since my crumbs were pre-seasoned; i sprinkled this breadcrumb/parsley mixture liberally over the top of my creamy+cheesy cauliflower+pasta.
and then i baked it, uncovered, at 400 (f) for 15 minutes.

it is delicious,
and as close as i've come to that memorable meal with mom and Marcel.

YIP!


xo

hello, me.

it's me again.